Still not being heard…

It is hard enough for me to simply get myself to place my computer on my lap and type in my bed. ive managed to do it again for the first time in a long time, but probably only because of the contrast of pain and bad sleep and then having a type of painkiller to rebound and combine that with using the computer.

if i felt i was actually speaking to people and believed in something it would make a big difference but i dont have that.

Fuck.

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Where do I start?

Hi, my name is Randy. I’ve always felt misunderstood. I am suicidal yet again. It feels as if I am at the end of a long battle. It has to be somehow. If only to find a bigger purpose and happiness in my life. I’d much rather than die. But is it even still possible? It’s very sad how many times I’ve been here. The amount I want to say right now is overwhelming. I think that telling my story could potentially help me as well as others. I was just 15 years old when I experienced the worst pain of my life. I thought it would just go away like any other pain I had previously felt. It didn’t just go away. It didn’t go away at all. It only took about a month of this agony for me to become desperate and suicidal. Comfort was now a thing of the past. There was only this feeling of pain from now on.

Lets jump ahead for a moment. I am now 31 years old. I feel I could have had books and movies about my life made from the year of age 15 alone, never mind the many years to follow. All the time I spent talking to my girlfriends in the past, trying so hard to explain all the years before and current situation. All of the energy trying to explain to my family who refused to accept what was already so difficult for me to accept. When I needed support the most, my family gave me none. The pain (something so unbearable and chronic) and combination of my family, hours of being forced to sit when I couldnt, a lot of psychological abuse, chronic insomnia, ocd and tics, on and on, and with a thought process that had to constantly accept death and force a sort of denial. Constantly trying to just be okay, just barely survive while fighting with everything you’ve got with a constant above 10 pain. And even as much as I believed in myself and my passion to keep me going; nothing was worth this amount of physical pain alone. I have hung on to everything that is beautiful in life and tried to become the best me that I can be and music has always been something calling me. I have a direct connection I feel, where I can hear all types of music and tap into something; a sort of musical ether. From there all I have to do is translate the music either to a guitar, computer, keyboard, bass, drums – whatever I need to do. I can play anything by ear on a lot of instruments and I’m completely driven by feeling when it comes to playing my music. I improvise a lot, and if you knew me you could probably tell how I’m feeling through my playing; it can vary quite a bit. Although I have received many compliments over time, I am also very critical of myself. I have such high standards so there’s always that critic in my head in turn. I’m sure some of you have that problem as well.

I had no idea what was to happen mentally over the years to come. And in the present, how my entire perspective has been shaped, and continues to change all these years later. I’m trying to figure out a way to get into this as you can see here. I’m going to just be totally raw and genuine as the person I am. I really hope this can help me. I really hope that you can get a good sense of me through this as time goes by. I hope that it can help others. I hope that something good or even special comes out of this. I have a lot to say and I’ve suffered too much for too long. I hope that I will be able to articulate my words well enough and even use my computer (physically, even that has become a problem over the recent years. I used to have that as THE way I did most of my work.. In bed with the laptop – music writing, journaling, work, socializing, shopping, … anything and everything you could do with a computer since I had lost all other options and could not sit down) I hope that I can gain back some control by doing this. I hope that I am not just being in denial by hoping. I hope that you will see me for who I am and understand me through this. I hope that maybe I will make some friends this way and maybe even connect to some really cool like-minded people. I hope things turn out okay and that I don’t have to kill myself or feel like that is the only option left for me anymore. I don’t want to be stuck in this horrible loop forever.

For me to be properly understood I think it will take a lot of writing. there are so many details. I am not exaggerating when i say that there could have been many books and movies on each part of my life. Without some information you could go “why didn’t he do this or that?” or a variety of other questions that can frustrate me or be insulting. I reluctantly saw every possible doctor I possible could and a ton more (while my father yelled at me for failing to receive a diagnosis) for many years following the birth of this at 15 and that even still continues periodically. From all of this i have witnessed a very dark side of doctors as well. Once I fill in all the details then I really hope that you’ll be able to see. I’m confident you will. I really have done my absolute best and fought as hard as I could. Why wouldn’t I try to make the best of my life, being a very strong person and stuck here in this world not knowing why, born here totally innocent just like the rest of you. I would do whatever is necessary to get better and I’ve been trying and haven’t stopped trying for sixteen years. It would be seventeen years in September.

I’ve had many ups and downs.. a lot more downs the further we go though. Has it been worth it? No. It’s sad, I had been completely off of pain meds as well for the longest time, but some days just to use the computer or play guitar and deal with being here and this situation. I’ve been taking them again sometimes. The place I moved back into and this environment and lack of people as well needs to change immediately. Three months of hell staying here that has led up to this complete breakdown I must contend with now.  I only started using low doses of the pain meds to cope about a month ago on and off, but its getting more and more difficult not to have them and I know where that road leads. But from my point of view I really don’t have any options left and there’s no point in suffering more and more just to be stuck in this place and suffer more. I try so hard to change my perspective every day and I do bend it as much as I can, but its harder and harder to think positively.

I still don’t know how much of my pain is somatic and how much isn’t and how it works exactly, but I do know the most and a great deal about it from living with it for so long. It’s very unique to me. I was also forced to take something called Accutane by my father for acne (at 15 also just a few months before that pain began) I had my first real gut feeling that I can remember. I didn’t even have bad acne. I didn’t think it mattered and I didn’t want to take it and I had such fear about it. My father didn’t listen to me, of course, and I will never know if that was the cause. Maybe it was the combination of that plus the chronic insomnia and the strict family issues. But even just the thought of the Accutane alone; I could barely say it for the longest time, because of the emotions it would trigger… to always have that question. I’ve since come to accept it somewhat, as I am in this present moment and all that is in the past. It’s all connected,yes, and it hasn’t been properly dealt with. But I do my best to stay in the present and be okay in the present and have as much distance as I can. Even just talking about all this now, pretty difficult but I’m getting through it. Anyway, I know I’m supposed to do something with music as well as other things, but I was supposed to start a long time ago. I feel I have the potential inside to do anything, really anything. I could be great at so many things if I can just try them. I feel like screaming, punching, crying, and getting to the meat of all of this, but I have to at least attempt to start this right.. right? And I’m so aware of all the different ways I could approach this, probably to a fault. Im not really paying attention to grammar, punctuation, or the way I am writing as much as I’d like or should be. I apologize if it’s not as coherent and concise as it should be. If I get positive feedback and support I think that will help motivate me a lot. Hopefully, I’ll have enough patience to apply all of my mind to this and unleash something I’ve been missing and needing for a long time. My brain has been atrophying; screaming for positive stimuli, screaming for me to use it. I am only just getting my footing here, so bare with me. We’ve only just begun to see the tip of the iceberg. Thank you.